Not all closures are created equal. Learn these, and you’ll sound like a hallway prophet.
Type 1: Snowpocalypse. Schools closed. Buses cancelled. This is the unicorn. Everyone high-fives.
Type 2: Two-Hour Delay. Cruel. It gives you hope, but then you still have to go. It’s like a hug that turns into a pop quiz.
Type 3: Early Release. The “bait-and-switch.” You’re already in math class, and suddenly the intercom crackles. “School will dismiss at noon.” Chaos erupts. Desks are flipped (internally).
2-hour delays in 3 Northern Virginia public schools districts | wusa9.com
Type 4: Remote Learning Day. The villain of the 2020s. You’re “in school” but in your sweatpants. It’s a closure in name only. Total buzzkill.
Type 5: The “Localized” Closure. One school is closed due to a burst pipe. The rest are open. You live three miles away and still check the list. Just in case. Because hope is irrational.
The Most Ridiculous Reasons Schools Close
It’s not always snow. Sometimes it’s goats. Yes, goats.
In 2018, a school in Maryland closed because a herd of goats escaped and blockaded the main entrance. The buses couldn’t get through. The goats didn’t care. They just bleated at the superintendent.
Other gems: a power outage from a squirrel in a transformer, a gas leak from a taco truck, and—my personal favorite—a school in Florida closed because an alligator slept on the gymnasium doorstep. He wasn’t moving. Neither did the principal.
Why do we love these stories? Because they remind us that the universe is chaotic, and sometimes chaos gives you a free day.
