Okay, that’s a stretch. But you can make well water testing a ritual. Every spring, before the gardening season, order a basic bacteria test kit. Most local health departments offer them for under $50. Drop the sample in a sterile bottle, mail it off, and in three days you have peace of mind.
Make it a mini-event: put on your favorite podcast, sip some store-bought spring water (ironic, we know), and pretend you’re a water sommelier. You’re not testing wine. You’re testing life.
The Wild Card: Total Coliform vs. Fecal Coliform
Not all coliform is created equal. Total coliform is the broad category. Fecal coliform (like E. coli) is the scary one—it means the contamination came from warm-blooded animal or human waste. If you test positive for fecal coliform, boil your water immediately and call a pro. It’s a red alert, not a false alarm.
A culture reference: Remember the Contagion scene where Gwyneth Paltrow’s character gets infected? That’s what fecal contamination can feel like, but less dramatic and more “upset stomach for a week.” Avoid it.
