Look, if everything fails, the emergency room is open. But you don’t want to go there unless you swallowed a Christmas ornament. Also, self-serve gas pumps are technically open—but you’ll pay for that gas with tears when you realize the car wash is closed forever.
Finally, let’s not forget your neighbor’s garage. Wait, no—don’t break in. But if you hear music and smell garlic bread, go knock. Everyone loves a brave beggar on Christmas.
So here’s the bottom line: On Christmas Day, you can get a greasy burger, a questionable coffee, a stale bagel, and—if you’re lucky—a sugar cookie from a kind gas station clerk. It’s not perfect, but it’s a little Christmas miracle. And if you still can’t find anything open? Well, that’s what leftover candy canes and hot tap water are for.
Merry Christmas, you beautiful, hungry weirdos.
