First, stop buying those cheap USB fans. They work for about 45 seconds before making a noise like a dying wasp. Your real tool is the humble duvet cover—dunk it in cold water, wring it out, and sleep under a damp blanket. It sounds insane, but it’s the closest you can get to sleeping in a salad drawer. Also, eat cold things. A lot of them. The NHS has not yet recommended a diet of 90% ice lollies, but I’m advocating for it informally.
Finally, remember: this is temporary. The heat will break, the Jet Stream will return from its holiday, and within six weeks, we’ll be complaining about how it’s too cold and damp. That’s the British way. Until then, embrace the madness. Put your feet in the paddling pool, eat your body weight in watermelon, and just accept that for a glorious, sweaty moment, the UK is the hottest place on Earth. Well, at least the hottest place that still serves a proper breakfast.
Stay hydrated. And please, for the love of all that is holy, stop trying to iron your shirt during a heatwave. We all have limits.
