England invented football, then spent the next hundred years trying not to lose at it. They’ve got Harry Kane, who scores goals like other people breathe—effortlessly, and with a slightly confused look on his face. They also have a curse: they only won the World Cup in 1966, and every English fan has a tattoo of that date.
Their national anthem is about a king who didn’t die, and they still sing it with total seriousness. But here’s the real surprise: England’s women’s team won the Euros in 2026, so maybe the men should just take notes. Or maybe they’ll bring it home in 2026. Don’t hold your breath.
F: France, and the Art of Being Insufferably Good
France has two World Cup wins (1998, 2018) and a squad so deep that their backup striker would start for most countries. They have a guy named Kylian Mbappé, who’s 24 and already looks like he’s been playing FIFA on easy mode his whole life.
They also had a player named Zinedine Zidane, who headbutted an opponent in the 2006 final and then retired. That’s called “going out with a bang” in French, which translates literally to “un coup de tête.” It’s iconic, messy, and deeply French.
